abandon hope ye who enter here

hello all! i am going to be obnoxious and insist that you ALL visit freud.ianslip.com, which is lia's tres cool blog. also threeblackbirds.livejournal.com and http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?blogid=96 are pretty damn funny.

pizza hut is the devil.

EDIT: you may read lia's journal at your own risk. and it's not my fault mr x is prettier than me :(

hello newcastle-dwellers, and greetings from lia's lovely room with its limited oxygen supply, handy for autoerotic asphyxiation (sp?) oooh, just like that boy from INXS :P

have had a most delightful weekend, which i would describe in detail but you might get the gist of it from the following quotes (not all of these are from lia and i; i had the pleasure of meeting some of her friends. and yes michael, it was me who changed your msn name to "i (l) nipples!!!")

"oooh...metaphorical nipples!!"
"oooh! metaphorical penises!"
"enough of your frickin' metaphors already!"

"a simile is like a metaphor."
"NOO, a metaphor IS a simile!"

"what's the plural of 'double entendre'?"
"triple entendre...duh"

"oooh, you mean like that thing she does with her tongue?"
"yeah, the tongue thing!"
"{walks out of room}"

"hello, i'm just reading my koran. would you like to join our prayer group?"

"i like nipples."

"does anyone ELSE have a playschool song stuck in their head?"
"hmmm, like 'open wide, come inside'?"

"time for your daily shot of yummy yummy low-cal protein!"

"mmm...bubble bottle sodomy."

"y'know, they're going to start calling facial cumshots 'the cheney'."

"mmm...chopstick lesbian porn."

"yeah baby! SUCK that fake one!"

"there's a plastic bag in the kitchen. it would make an excellent condom."

"i call him PENGUINZOR. none on earth may defeat him."

"condoms. condoms EVERYWHERE."

"where's the black satin nightie?"
"did you check with the black satin sheets?"

"quiet, slave!"
"yes master..."
"SHUT UP!"

"it's the time to disco! feel the love, make merry, tell the one who provoke yoooou!"

"since when do bollywood stars breakdance in front of american flags?"

"we watched 'kaal ho naa ho'. it's a bollywood one."
"ooh, i know! it's that one where there's this guy, and he falls in love, and then sings and dances to imaginary music?"

"i'm a man! see, i'm using my deep voice!"

"wow! that's the biggest one i've ever seen!" (it was a bowl of laksa. shut up.)

hmmmm...i'll remember more later. :P

the other day, lia was telling me that when a lesbian bollywood film was released in india people actually set fire to themselves in protest. which got me to thinking, wouldn't the world be a happier, more caring place if christian gay-bashers followed suit? we could set up a chapel on oxford street with byo kerosene and matches.

and then i thought, "hmmmm. i don't think the bible is actually under copyright. technically you could use those characters any way you liked."

therefore, lia+bella's Evil Enterprises is seeking suggestions for their new biblically-themed gay club, tentatively named "the organ grinder". proposals include:

- cocktails named after deadly sins ("gluttony" - something baileys-based. "lust" - laced with viagra.)
- jesus-endorsed condoms and lube ("gettin' whipped is sexy...gettin' nailed is sexier")
- stained glass bathroom windows depicting apostles gittin' it OOOOOOOON
- bartenders wearing fig leaves
- a regular "biggest snake in the garden of eden" contest

any more ideas?

i love you.

hello! exciting news from the jaynie/bella universe!

1. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ <--- for lysander :)

2. yes, that's right, lia and lysander are actually ONE AND THE SAME...and hugh is not the only gay in the village. he is, however, the only gay in a hundred-square-metre radius of himself.

3. okay, that didn't sound like my actual happy happy squee-ful self. sorry. ooops - i apologised for no good reason. sorry about that too...wait! i said it again! ...sorry!

...GAH!

4. the beatles were right. all you need is love. ♥

5. ...but i'm still not sure about that whole 'i am the walrus' thing.

6. and finally, this is a public post so for the information of any interested parties: STRAIGHT GUYS WHO HANG OUT IN GAY BARS FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF MAKING SNARKY COMMENTS CONTRARY TO THE WHOLE "SQUEE!" SPIRIT ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO BE BEATEN TO DEATH BY AN ARMY OF (GAY!) LEPRECHAUNS WITH BIG, SPIKY STICKS. thank you for your consideration.

and this entry is for my ever-so-beloved-and-adored GOD lysander :P who now knows my eljay address. *kisses and hugs to you, sweet mannish surfy kitten*

wow. i've totally lost it. and hugh, i need those photos of me stroking phallic symbols. ps love to the vagitarians.

dear shinnick:

i'm so pleased you read my eljay! thankfully i keep my shinnick/shinnick's sister slash as private posts, 'cos MAN that's some disturbing erotica. so tell me, is that a very small gherkin in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? btw, don't hug people if there's a chance mr happy might just make an appearance. oh, and SOMEONE - who has short, stubby digits (which are quite cute, mind you) - managed to indicate your "size" using two fingers. on the same hand. so i'm wondering, is the reason you constantly request anal so you can strap on a decent-sized dildo whilst their back is turned? and is the reason you enjoy intimate encounters in the mall because you're hoping some nice, homeless junkie might want to join you in a three-way? who knows, they might have new and interesting diseases you and karlee can share...aww, feel the love.

hugs and kisses to you and the trouser worm.

xoxo jayne

ps peter and brenton are planning a "return our anal virginity" demonstration. drew, on the other hand, quite enjoyed the experience and is hoping you can pop by your sister's room some time tonight and join them.

greetings,  peoples of the jayney_pie universe!

( in today's news... )

Anti-Queer Agency Targeted for Protest
Exodus International Swarmed by Plague of Locusts

SAN RAFAEL, CALIF. -- The San Francisco Lesbian Avengers summoned a "plague of locusts" onto Exodus International today, a cult-like organization whose mission is to "cure" people of their homosexuality. The San Francisco Avengers chose to target Exodus because "conversion" programs, a largely invisible form of Christian Right organizing, have profoundly devastating effects on lesbian, bisexual, and gay people.

"If anyone deserves a plague of Biblical proportions right now, it's the Radical Right," said Avenger Liz Harris.

Five Avengers stormed the organization's headquarters, carrying signs proclaiming "Queer Love Is Not A Disease," and chanting "Exodus, stop your hate and fear! Help like yours is killing queers!" Once inside, the activists climbed onto the reception desk, shouted "We don't need to be cured," and released 1,000 "locusts" (crickets) in an attempt to shut the operation down. The Exodus staff watched dumbfounded as a swarming pile of crickets spread across their office floor. One woman picked up the phone and dialed 911, shaking as she said, "There are lesbians here with bugs." By the time she was able to convince the police that it wasn't a prank call, the Avengers were on their way back to San Francisco.

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do it or the kitty dies.